Rules, Rebellion, Fear, and Freedom

Recently I have experienced several conversations touching on rules and rebellion. I wonder whether the fear that gives rise to rules is also the motivation for some of the rebellion against rules that teachers, employers, and parents observe daily. And if fear does determine these behaviors, what would be an alternate motive?

As an employer, I experience fear when a worker fails to show up for work. I doubt that we will be able to meet our deadlines and make efficient use of other staff resources without a full crew on deck. I have observed parents reacting fearfully when their young child is in real or perceived danger. Public school teachers sometimes fear that a student will, because of some difference or disability, be ostracized by other students. In these circumstances, the fearful person, especially one with some legitimate authority to do so, will often impose rules to try to limit the perceived danger or threat. The fear behind these rules is the fear of losing control. These rules can be benign, such as forbidding a child to run into the street during play; or they can be likely to fail, such as requiring children in a classroom to include everyone in their play group; or they can be damaging, such as writing up employees and paving the way for their discharge for failing to follow the rules in the workplace.

The person confronted with these rules sometimes engages in rebellion. The child who is given too many rules to follow may stop listening to any of the parents' guidance, thus losing the benefit of being protected and directed away from harm. The employee challenged to conform to workplace policies that s/he considers draconian may respond with passive-aggressive behaviors, such as slovenly personal habits, avoiding eye contact, or mumbling their way through conversation. Students given rules to guide their social behavior in the classroom find ways to play dumb, often calling upon the hoary excuse that they didn't know. Are these behaviors also the result of fear?

Perhaps they are. The fear common to all these rebellions against rules is the fear of limitation. The child who tunes out the parent's steady barrage of rules is seeking to preserve a sense of freedom. The passive-aggressive employee is looking for ways to demonstrate that although s/he must obey the employer's rules, s/he is not defined by them. The student who plays dumb to escape accountability wants to be master of his/her social environment.



When do rules arise from wisdom and not from fear? When parents are able to see their child as unique and precious, separate from the parents, not the possession of the parents, with gifts, abilities, and temperament that deserve the chance to develop; when an employer even-handedly enforces procedural and behavioral standards proven effective in a specific work context; when a teacher proposes compassion and kindness as values without harshly judging children unable to embrace these values, then rules uplift and strengthen. Rules that arise from wisdom usually engender much less rebellion than rules that arise from fear.



What is the best way to respond to rules? Check in with yourself and ask "Am I rebelling?" If you are, speak to the authority imposing the rules and indicate that you would like to follow the rules while preserving your freedom. Sometimes you can negotiate conditions that embrace both options. If the rule in question seems reasonable and protective, rather than arbitrary and self-serving, then there is no shame in complying. We are not diminished by following rules. It just depends on whose rules they are.