31 Questions to Ask before your Mother Dies

Of the questions that can be asked before a loved one dies, several can be asked of the person who is expected to die first; several of oneself; and other questions of people in the close circle that surrounds the two people having the core conversation. Here we will first look at the questions to be asked of the person who is expected to die first. These are formulated as "31 Questions to Ask before your Mother Dies." However, the principles apply to any close relationship. A key thing to remember is that only 10 or so questions are asked of the person who is facing death; the others are asked of yourself and other family members or close friends. The entire set of questions if completed provides a wealth of information that can aid intergenerational healing, provide crucial information for the next generation, and strengthen family traditions, values, and ties.

The first question to be asked of your mother is

A question about your natality

What does she remember about your conception, her pregnancy with you, your birth, and the three months after your birth? Does she remember thinking about you, dreaming about you, even before you were conceived? Who else was a strong presence in the life of the family during your natal period? Your father, grandparents, other relatives, friends, medical support people?

The idea here is that you as the questioner are curious, non-judgmental, interested, prepared to enjoy her response, whatever it may be. There is no wrong answer she can give. Many mothers will have happy or fond memories of this period in their lives. Even if there are painful associations, the time may be enough distant that it will not be painful to talk about them. It may bring relief or peace to your mother to disclose some of this information and her memories to you. This question is intimate to the two of you, and yet does not necessarily ask your mother to talk about matters that may be too tender for comfort. It is a good beginning to the extended conversation based on the 31 questions that you may have over several weeks or months during the time when her death can reasonably be thought to be approaching, but she is not in physical or mental distress.

You can just listen, or, with her permission, record her response, take notes, or even make a video of her speaking. If you don't make any formal record of what she says, you may wish to write a summary later, in a journal that you maintain for this purpose.

The next blog in this series will address the second question to be asked of your mother before she dies.