Recently I have experienced several conversations touching on rules and rebellion. I wonder whether the fear that gives rise to rules is also the motivation for some of the rebellion against rules that teachers, employers, and parents observe daily. And if fear does determine these behaviors, what would be an alternate motive?
As an employer, I experience fear when a worker fails to show up for work. I doubt that we will be able to meet our deadlines and make efficient use of other staff resources without a full crew on deck. I have observed parents reacting fearfully when their young child is in real or perceived danger. Public school teachers sometimes fear that a student will, because of some difference or disability, be ostracized by other students. In these circumstances, the fearful person, especially one with some legitimate authority to do so, will often impose rules to try to limit the perceived danger or threat. The fear behind these rules is the fear of losing control. These rules can be benign, such as forbidding a child to run into the street during play; or they can be likely to fail, such as requiring children in a classroom to include everyone in their play group; or they can be damaging, such as writing up employees and paving the way for their discharge for failing to follow the rules in the workplace.
The person confronted with these rules sometimes engages in rebellion. The child who is given too many rules to follow may stop listening to any of the parents' guidance, thus losing the benefit of being protected and directed away from harm. The employee challenged to conform to workplace policies that s/he considers draconian may respond with passive-aggressive behaviors, such as slovenly personal habits, avoiding eye contact, or mumbling their way through conversation. Students given rules to guide their social behavior in the classroom find ways to play dumb, often calling upon the hoary excuse that they didn't know. Are these behaviors also the result of fear?
Perhaps they are. The fear common to all these rebellions against rules is the fear of limitation. The child who tunes out the parent's steady barrage of rules is seeking to preserve a sense of freedom. The passive-aggressive employee is looking for ways to demonstrate that although s/he must obey the employer's rules, s/he is not defined by them. The student who plays dumb to escape accountability wants to be master of his/her social environment.
When do rules arise from wisdom and not from fear? When parents are able to see their child as unique and precious, separate from the parents, not the possession of the parents, with gifts, abilities, and temperament that deserve the chance to develop; when an employer even-handedly enforces procedural and behavioral standards proven effective in a specific work context; when a teacher proposes compassion and kindness as values without harshly judging children unable to embrace these values, then rules uplift and strengthen. Rules that arise from wisdom usually engender much less rebellion than rules that arise from fear.
What is the best way to respond to rules? Check in with yourself and ask "Am I rebelling?" If you are, speak to the authority imposing the rules and indicate that you would like to follow the rules while preserving your freedom. Sometimes you can negotiate conditions that embrace both options. If the rule in question seems reasonable and protective, rather than arbitrary and self-serving, then there is no shame in complying. We are not diminished by following rules. It just depends on whose rules they are.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Small Courtesies
Today I forwarded some documents to our staff here with a note that I could not print out one of the documents using the printer at my desk. I asked that they print out their own copies for use later in the day. Just now, one of the staff brought me a printed copy, asking, "Did you need one of these yourself?" Of course I did, but I had not asked for it. This small courtesy was offered naturally and easily, almost nonchalantly, but it made a big impression on me. It made me realize that it is these small courtesies that provide a lift during the day. Conversely, it is the absence of small courtesies which can make getting through the day a burden.
I have written here of big commitments to help -- offering to dig someone out of a snowbank, helping to right a wrong, even making a pledge to save the environment. All of these represent wonderful offers to embody an ideal of service, justice, or harmony. But in my daily life, I realize that I am most steadily strengthened by small courtesies -- the woman in the Post Office parking lot whom I don't know who calls out that she likes the way my scarf is sparkling in the sun; or the driver who lets me make a late lane change without scowling; or the person who just smiles at the fact that I am late for a meeting. These acts inspired by the Golden Rule (which is really what small courtesies are) keep me going for minutes or hours and provide a sweet memory when I reflect on the week that has just passed.
Small courtesies are absolutely free. They require little time to produce and no investment of monetary resources. They arise quite naturally from what I am coming to believe is true thinking "out of the box." Thinking out of the box I now consider to be thinking first of other people rather than thinking first of oneself. Being able to put oneself in the shoes of someone else, to see the world from the other's perspective, to imagine how I appear to the other, will certainly increase the number of small courtesies that I will extend during the day.
Like your best teachers and mentors have probably already told you, extending small courtesies magically inspires others to extend small courtesies to you. There is a kind of zone of kindness, mildness, and humility that is created within which the potential for being good to one another can be infinitely reflected.
There is really nothing that interferes with extending small courtesies other than the ego. So when I say that small courtesies are absolutely free, I am assuming that a great price has already been paid. That is the price that we pay when we consciously make the choice to put the ego aside in order to experience life more directly, more naturally, and more fully. The filter of the ego is a limitation in many ways. One of the things that egotism limits is the number of small courtesies that we perform. The measurement recorded on a virtual "ego-meter" could be assessed every night by reflecting on the number of small courtesies that we extended during the day, how naturally they arose, and how good we felt in the performance of them. On a good day, the afterglow of having given and received small courtesies will be an indicator that the ego has assumed its proper role as the servant of our being, and not our master.
Small courtesies are, like many small entities, very big when you really get to know them.
I have written here of big commitments to help -- offering to dig someone out of a snowbank, helping to right a wrong, even making a pledge to save the environment. All of these represent wonderful offers to embody an ideal of service, justice, or harmony. But in my daily life, I realize that I am most steadily strengthened by small courtesies -- the woman in the Post Office parking lot whom I don't know who calls out that she likes the way my scarf is sparkling in the sun; or the driver who lets me make a late lane change without scowling; or the person who just smiles at the fact that I am late for a meeting. These acts inspired by the Golden Rule (which is really what small courtesies are) keep me going for minutes or hours and provide a sweet memory when I reflect on the week that has just passed.
Small courtesies are absolutely free. They require little time to produce and no investment of monetary resources. They arise quite naturally from what I am coming to believe is true thinking "out of the box." Thinking out of the box I now consider to be thinking first of other people rather than thinking first of oneself. Being able to put oneself in the shoes of someone else, to see the world from the other's perspective, to imagine how I appear to the other, will certainly increase the number of small courtesies that I will extend during the day.
Like your best teachers and mentors have probably already told you, extending small courtesies magically inspires others to extend small courtesies to you. There is a kind of zone of kindness, mildness, and humility that is created within which the potential for being good to one another can be infinitely reflected.
There is really nothing that interferes with extending small courtesies other than the ego. So when I say that small courtesies are absolutely free, I am assuming that a great price has already been paid. That is the price that we pay when we consciously make the choice to put the ego aside in order to experience life more directly, more naturally, and more fully. The filter of the ego is a limitation in many ways. One of the things that egotism limits is the number of small courtesies that we perform. The measurement recorded on a virtual "ego-meter" could be assessed every night by reflecting on the number of small courtesies that we extended during the day, how naturally they arose, and how good we felt in the performance of them. On a good day, the afterglow of having given and received small courtesies will be an indicator that the ego has assumed its proper role as the servant of our being, and not our master.
Small courtesies are, like many small entities, very big when you really get to know them.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Community Is
I have been challenged to create a safe and productive environment in which a group of about 10 people who may or may not know each other can disclose their thoughts and feelings about the meaning of community. In my favor (or perhaps the reverse), the people are in fact members of the same community.
This assignment has two potential pitfalls, both of which I am eager to avoid. First, the conversation could wade into the maudlin, sentimental, or trite. Second, the conversation could remain superficial, mechanical, or formulaic. Deep sharing, of course, steers clear of both these dangers. My goal is to encourage creative reflections profound enough to surprise even the speaker in the moment of disclosure. My dream setting would have everyone willing to be vulnerable, assured of confidentiality, believing that there is ample time for everyone to speak, temperamentally compassionate and tolerant, and excited to be having the conversation. If we can bring humility, enthusiasm and honesty (in the words of Alden B. Dow) to the circle, then we should be all set.
Speaking of Alden B. Dow, this conversation is taking place among a self-selected group of residents of Midland, Michigan, and its environs, where Mr. Dow established his career as an architect and left his mark as a philosopher as well. His lifelong interest in creativity as a process and a human capacity is the indirect source of the conversation about which I am reflecting. The people who are going to be present for the conversation, I believe, themselves have made a commitment to express their creativity in one or more dimensions of their lives.
MaybeI will add to the basic question "What am I doing to create community in the place where I live?" and "What would I like to do that I am not doing yet?" Finally, I would ask "What can I do to help you create the community of your dreams?"
There is a palpable spiritual energy present in the midst of people who converse deeply. It is this energy that I would like our conversation to enable. I would like us to be able to create it in the moments of our coming together. If we can do so, then the art exhibit that will be the outcome of this conversation and its aftermath will create protection, capacity, and purpose for our community and for ourselves.
This assignment has two potential pitfalls, both of which I am eager to avoid. First, the conversation could wade into the maudlin, sentimental, or trite. Second, the conversation could remain superficial, mechanical, or formulaic. Deep sharing, of course, steers clear of both these dangers. My goal is to encourage creative reflections profound enough to surprise even the speaker in the moment of disclosure. My dream setting would have everyone willing to be vulnerable, assured of confidentiality, believing that there is ample time for everyone to speak, temperamentally compassionate and tolerant, and excited to be having the conversation. If we can bring humility, enthusiasm and honesty (in the words of Alden B. Dow) to the circle, then we should be all set.
Speaking of Alden B. Dow, this conversation is taking place among a self-selected group of residents of Midland, Michigan, and its environs, where Mr. Dow established his career as an architect and left his mark as a philosopher as well. His lifelong interest in creativity as a process and a human capacity is the indirect source of the conversation about which I am reflecting. The people who are going to be present for the conversation, I believe, themselves have made a commitment to express their creativity in one or more dimensions of their lives.
MaybeI will add to the basic question "What am I doing to create community in the place where I live?" and "What would I like to do that I am not doing yet?" Finally, I would ask "What can I do to help you create the community of your dreams?"
There is a palpable spiritual energy present in the midst of people who converse deeply. It is this energy that I would like our conversation to enable. I would like us to be able to create it in the moments of our coming together. If we can do so, then the art exhibit that will be the outcome of this conversation and its aftermath will create protection, capacity, and purpose for our community and for ourselves.
Friday, April 4, 2008
As Heard on NPR
This morning, innovation in Michigan's Thumb made the national news. Laker Middle School was featured for its bioenergy projects, including wind turbines, biodiesel, and even powering the district school superintendent's residence with renewable, low-cost energy. To hear the 4-minute story, visit www.npr.org/templates/story.php?storyId=89369909 and click on "Listen Now."
Want to go see it for yourself? Join Creative Spirit Center and Chippewa Nature Center in a tour of the school and the Harvest Wind Farm in Pigeon MI, on Friday June 20. We depart Midland at 8.30 am and return between 4 and 5 pm. Our local guide will take us through these inspiring projects and we will share in a lunch and discussion after our tour. Midland ecologist Peter Sinclair and naturalist Janea Little of Chippewa Nature Center will accompany us and provide orientation as we travel. We have the option of regathering in Midland some time after the tour for tips from Dr. Laura Vosejpka of Northwood University on reducing our individual carbon footprints.
Creative Spirit Center is going green one step at a time. We are inspired by the words of Midland architect and philosopher Alden B. Dow, who said that it is human creativity that will solve the ever-evolving needs of human beings. Our need today for renewable sources of energy is one that presses on our awareness whether or not we are actively thinking about global warming, the price of imported oil, and the cost of heating our homes in the winter.
What has been done in the Thumb might spread throughout the whole Mitten (and beyond)! Creative thinking and creative action can move us through an uncertain future into a better life for individuals and for society. Each of us has creative gifts to bring to the party.
Our hope is that those joining this tour will be moved by the grandeur that emerges when human ingenuity links harmoniously with the power of nature. And that our lives will change for the better because we will dare to use our own creativity in similar ways. The scale of the 500-foot-tall windmills in Pigeon or the scale of our action as we repurpose, recycle, and re-use materials in our own home may differ, but both are contributing to a future that is able to support the dreams and desires of our children.
Want to go see it for yourself? Join Creative Spirit Center and Chippewa Nature Center in a tour of the school and the Harvest Wind Farm in Pigeon MI, on Friday June 20. We depart Midland at 8.30 am and return between 4 and 5 pm. Our local guide will take us through these inspiring projects and we will share in a lunch and discussion after our tour. Midland ecologist Peter Sinclair and naturalist Janea Little of Chippewa Nature Center will accompany us and provide orientation as we travel. We have the option of regathering in Midland some time after the tour for tips from Dr. Laura Vosejpka of Northwood University on reducing our individual carbon footprints.
Creative Spirit Center is going green one step at a time. We are inspired by the words of Midland architect and philosopher Alden B. Dow, who said that it is human creativity that will solve the ever-evolving needs of human beings. Our need today for renewable sources of energy is one that presses on our awareness whether or not we are actively thinking about global warming, the price of imported oil, and the cost of heating our homes in the winter.
What has been done in the Thumb might spread throughout the whole Mitten (and beyond)! Creative thinking and creative action can move us through an uncertain future into a better life for individuals and for society. Each of us has creative gifts to bring to the party.
Our hope is that those joining this tour will be moved by the grandeur that emerges when human ingenuity links harmoniously with the power of nature. And that our lives will change for the better because we will dare to use our own creativity in similar ways. The scale of the 500-foot-tall windmills in Pigeon or the scale of our action as we repurpose, recycle, and re-use materials in our own home may differ, but both are contributing to a future that is able to support the dreams and desires of our children.
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